One year ago today I saw this:
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| Scary! |
And life was forever changed.
I wish I could see myself today the day I took that test. Although it was exciting, that day was terrifying. We were not planning on a Leah bug, but of course, she has always had a mind of her own. I wish I would have known that day that everything would turn out fine. I wish I could’ve seen a little into the future and gotten a glimpse into just how happy I would be pregnant. I wish I could’ve seen myself today laughing and playing with this sweet baby girl on the floor. We were pretty nervous a year ago today, if only we had known just how wonderful our lives were about to become. I started thinking about my biggest fears of that day, and I’m so grateful that none of them came to fruition. I’ll share them with you anyways though; I like to remind myself how blessed we have been with the entire pregnancy and now our bug.
That I would miscarry. Oh my goodness, I tortured myself with this one from day one. I was so careful to follow all of the ridiculous rules, knowing that if I neglected even one of them something terrible would happen. Sure, we didn’t plan on Leah, but the second I knew someone was in there I did everything possible to keep it alive. This one never went away. Even in the end I began to worry that something would happen. It was awful. I never talked about it, either. I just knew that by vocalizing my fear, I would jinx everything. I wish I would have let myself rest a little; have a little more fun with her. If only I had known that she would be just fine, more than fine, really. She came out bigger and better than anything I had hoped – fear, released.
That we would go bankrupt. Okay, not really bankrupt, but I was pretty sure we would have to spend more money than normal. This was more a fear of Kyle’s, but I did my fair share of worrying. Just how much would she actually cost us? What would we have to sacrifice? I wish I had realized just how blessed we are with family and friends who were more than willing to give us (and Leah) presents to get us started. Here we are a year later, and we are not bankrupt. We’re not even struggling. We are able to feed ourselves, have cable, AND buy Leah pretty dresses. We might have to sacrifice a few things here and there, but no one in the Proebsting household is suffering. God is faithful.
That my body would never be the same. Alright, it’s not. It’s better! Ha. For some reason I was terrified of the fact that I would get and stay the size of a walrus. This may have actually helped me out – you see, because of this fear I made sure to eat extra healthy and only indulge on certain occasions. I watched my salt and sugar intake like a hawk. I drank only water, and a lot of it. I also knew that I wanted to feed Leah as best I could which ended in me gaining the ideal amount of weight and losing it all within a month – and then some! I’m officially the skinniest I’ve been since I started weighing myself… in high school. I’m diggin’ the Leah diet. Now if only I had time to exercise…
That Leah wouldn’t be healthy. This one kind of goes along with the miscarry one. I worried so much that something would be wrong with her. I just wanted her to be healthy. I had to make myself stop googling, I was finding out more about what could go wrong with babies than I ever wanted to know. Genetic disorders, heart defects, missing chromosomes; it’s a wonder anyone has a healthy baby! But again, I wish I would have let myself relax. I did have the mindset that if something was wrong obviously I would love her no matter what – but I desperately didn’t want things to come to that. Well, we are blessed. Not only is Leah healthy, sometimes I think she is a little too healthy. She is absolutely thriving.
That Leah wouldn’t be cute. Let’s just get real – no one wants an ugly baby. No one gets pregnant and says, “oh my goodness, I hope he’s straggly looking!” I would be lying if I told you I didn’t want a cute baby – of course I did! I wanted things proportional. I wanted two legs and arms. I wanted pretty eyes and chubby cheeks. I didn’t want the, “oh isn’t she special” response when people saw her, I wanted the “oh how cute!” response! And they may be lying, but I get the cute response a lot! We might just think she’s cute because she’s ours, but that’s okay with me. She’s cute in her mama’s eyes. She’s got the cheeks, and button nose, the pretty eyes, the two legs and arms, and the smile that lights up my whole day. Fear absolutely abolished.
And now back to the changes… I really had no idea how it would all change. They say having a baby changes everything, but there’s no way to really grasp that concept. Everything? Really, everything? What does that mean exactly? Well, I can tell you that a year later and yep, everything has changed. Everything. There is really no way to fully understand that, but I’ll highlight some of the biggest:
· Sleep: Duh. Leah generally sleeps great at night, don’t get me wrong. But even sleeping “great” means I wake up at least once in the middle of the night and am up for at least 30 minutes.
· Our social life, or what’s left of it, revolves around bedtime. Which is now 7:30. Parrrty.
· I rarely listen to the radio for two reasons – 1)I rarely drive anywhere and 2) when I do Leah and I rock out to Rainforest Lullabies
· There’s a lot more laundry. And missing socks is even more frustrating when the socks are the size of my pinky.
· I’ve learned to take a shower in two minutes flat.
· Kyle plays a lot less golf.
· When I leave my house (if I leave my house) and how long I can be gone all depends on a 3 month old.
· Johnson and Johnson have taken up residence in our bathroom.
· Getting out the door on time means starting to get out the door twenty minutes earlier.
· We rarely watch a show in its live timeslot, and our DVR is flooded
· I’ve declared war on the Ice Cream man, who wakes Leah up with his obnoxious music everytime he drives by our place.
And there are a million more; it would take me days to list them.
Sometimes I think I’m still pregnant. Nine months is a long time to get used to living a certain way! For instance, if something hits my stomach hard, and even if Leah herself kicks it I have a momentary freak out of, “oh my gosh, the baby will have brain damage!” Every once in a while I feel flutters in my belly. I’m sure they were there before I got pregnant, and I’m sure they are normal, but my first instinct is to think that it’s Leah moving around. And then I get really sad that it’s not. I’ve found myself readjusting my seatbelt on occasion, so it’s not right on my stomach. After all, I don’t want to squish the baby not living in my belly anymore. And my personal favorite: Do you shop at Aldi? Or maybe it’s every grocery store. But do you know the ridges that are in the doorways? When the cart goes over them they make a lot of noise? Anyways, Aldi has them for sure, and if you have no idea what I’m talking about – follow along anyways. When I was pregnant, especially in the last months, when I would push the cart over the ridges I would get kicked so.hard. I learned to brace myself as I went over them, and even try not to make “too much” noise. Leah was either scared or excited that I was buying food. But something caught her attention and I got a beating. The pain of those kicks in particular has stayed with me. I continue to brace myself by instinct everytime I go over them! I just know I’m going to get kicked. And then I don’t, and I’m both relieved and sad.
Being pregnant was hands down the best experience of my life. I’ve said it a million times. Sometimes I wish I could just shove Leah back in there. She was much easier to contain in there! Someday I suppose I’ll get the experience back again – until then, I have the result of a very scary pregnancy test to keep me more than occupied!
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