A Bug is Born

Trumpets played last Thursday. The Angels sang, Heaven threw a birthday party, and Jesus smiled. Leah Caroline Proebsting was born on July 7, 2011, and the world will never be the same.

Oh man, she is something else. Somehow she is everything and nothing I imagined. I'm not even sure where to start with a blog like this. There really are no words, no clever phrases, no amount of heartfelt story telling that can describe what the three of us have just been through. It was and is completely life changing. Duh.

I guess I'll start with the present. Right now we are home. There are three of us Proebsting's now, and the newest is by far the best. Leah is in her bouncer right now. The bouncer my sister bought at Christmastime. The same one that was her first big item, the first thing in her room, the one that we played for her a lot of times before bed so she could listen to the songs, and the one I have been imagining her in for so long. And it feels so nice not to have to imagine anymore. I'm looking at her while she's sleeping; she's all swaddled up, dreaming and making little sounds as she sleeps. Those big cheeks I hoped for are poking out just above her swaddle and her little red lips are pierced and perfect.

I guess now I should rewind. Last Tuesday was a whirlwind. I always wondered how "the day" would go, and through all of my imaginations, somehow I was left completely unprepared. It was my due date, and I had a big doctors appointment. We had a non-stress test and an ultrasound to make sure it was safe to go beyond my due date. Leah passed everything with flying colors, she was perfectly fine... but big. I had had no progress in two weeks in terms of her coming out - and with my doctors advice we decided to induce. That decision landed us in the hospital an hour and a half after the appointment. I was so overwhelmed. I cried the whole way home. Not because I wasn't ready, or I didn't want to have her - but to know I was starting the process in an hour was just too much. I was also sad knowing my time of being pregnant was coming to a close. I seriously, seriously loved it. If I could have Leah on the inside and outside I totally would. She was a hoot. But I got my bearings (thanks to Kyle), we called family, had a last meal at steak and shake, and checked ourselves in. Leah would be here Wednesday. Ha, not. If you want that whole story, read the blog previous to this. I'll start after 48 hours of labor, 3 epidural attempts, dilating 9cm naturally against my will, and pushing for an hour and having Leah not budge. C-section it was. And I could have cared.less. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. They kept telling me encouraging things, I guess they thought I was disappointed. I really just wanted them all to shut up and get her out already. After prepping, signing my life away in consent forms, Kyle getting his scrubs, and our doctor describing everything... I was wheeled away. The OR was a little scary, I'm not gonna lie. So bright, and white, and 50 million people with masks. Just like the movies. But as scary as it looked I just wanted her out. Kyle had to stay back while they did the anesthesia stuff, but as soon as he walked in I was calm and ready. There was lots of pressure and pulling, I tried not to think about it or I got nervous that somehow I would feel pain. Kyle and I just talked about normal stuff, I have no idea what about, but I remember asking him just to talk to me. Then one of the 5 doctors by my head told Kyle to get the camera ready... um what? I'm not ready! Leave her in, leave her in! I was panicked, and nervous, and anxious - but then I got something I wasn't ready for...

She cried.

She was out, she was alive, and she was crying. I couldn't believe it. After all of these months of dreaming of her birth I never once thought of her first cry! How could I forget that part?! But I guess I'm glad I did - because it was the best thing I've ever heard, and no amount of dreaming could have prepared me for that moment. And I cried, and cried, and cried. I was a little nervous my belly was shaking so much and someone would knick something important. From then on I felt nothing they were doing. My eyes were focused to the left for the next 20 minutes. Oh she screamed. They poked and prodded, flipped her, measured her, weighed her, pricked her, wrapped her, and handed her to her daddy. And she was calm. So many things were going on in that room, but I was oblivious to all but one. She came at 10:35pm, and life has been an incredible whirlwind ever since.

After the surgery was also nothing I expected. I was completely numb. Even my eyelids were numb, they started closing as we were still in the OR. I couldn't hold her for quite a while. Not only was I numb, but due to hormones (so they tell me) I was shaking violently. My body was just done. So I watched (technically listened, because my eyes weren't working properly) everyone hold her and pass her around. She was alert the whole time, unlike her mother. I wanted so badly to hold her... and to see... but I knew I would get my chance. And I did, at about 130am, the shaking subsided, my eyes opened, and I could move my arms! Bring her to me! I got her, and I didn't put her down. I sat up with her all night in the dark. There was no point in sleeping. The adrenaline had kicked in, and it wouldn't be long before the sun came up - so we waited out the night together. I gave her all the kisses I had been saving up for nine months, told her everything I had wanted to say for so long, and just held her warm little body for hours.

The next day was fun. The itching kicked in. One part was from the medicine wearing off, the other part was the four rashes I had developed overnight. Turns out - I'm allergic to adhesive. Labor is a real treat. So I itched my way through it, but I wasn't too distracted. I just soaked up my baby girl for most of the day. Things got a little more real this day. I think Kyle and I both had moments of, "oh my, she's actually here. What do we do with her now?" Scary, but good feelings. We re-introduced ourselves to each other as parents (non-verbally, of course). It's one thing to date someone, a little more intense to be engaged, and the real deal to be married. However, those things don't really change you. But having a baby instantly made us different people. Our world revolves around her now. It's fun to watch Kyle as a dad, and I love getting to know him in this role. And I will add here that he is the absolute best. Leah could not be a luckier little girl. He is so darn calm! I learned within hours that his immediate sense of calm when things go wrong is going to save our family. And oh my goodness, she is in love with him. I told you about this when I was pregnant - I could feel her lighting up in my belly when he was around. Now I actually get to see it - and there is nothing better.  All I know is she doesn't stare at me like she stares at him. Thanks, kid. But I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. She is absolutely his biggest fan.

So I guess that's where we are. We have our Leah bug, and she is pretty great. So far she still gets the hiccups outside the womb as much as she did inside, she moves as much at night as she did in my belly, she loves her dad outside maybe even more than in, and she seems to have the big personality I had given her from judging her activity while growing. I love to examine her, and remember back to reading about what was growing each week and see that it's all there. She did everything she was supposed to, and now she's just perfect. Stay tuned - I'm sure there will be another blog about her at some point :).