All You Really Need...

When I first got the idea for this blog, my immediate thought was, "no way, you're not qualified to write that. " Then I reminded myself, "wait a minute, you've been pregnant for 30 weeks, you're totally qualified." That was a weird feeling in itself. I'm now one of those people who feels compelled to give unsolicited advice to others who are in or will be in my like situation. But feel free not to take it, I know I wouldn't. But I hate advice.

I have been pregnant for a whopping 30 weeks. I've only got 10 left, give or take. So I've learned a few things. I've learned some things that work, and some things that are a waste of time. But I have more fun thinking about the things that kept me alive for the past 30 weeks, so I'd rather share those. Nobody wants a debbie downer anyways.

I will start with what I needed first, and end with not what I needed last, but what I needed the ENTIRE time. The big kahouna, if you will. They may or may not apply to everyone, but I have a feeling they should be fairly universal.

1) You're gonna want a box of Saltines. There's going to be a rough several weeks in there where the thought of food or anything with flavor is enough to send you hurling. Saltines will get you through. You see, they taste like cardboard. There is absolutely nothing to them but a little salt on the top. There is zero nutritional value, but don't let that stop you from eating them. Your baby will be small enough that it won't matter, and as long as you're eating something... life will be good. Well, life will be doable. They also carry less of a risk of throwing up something awful. They're bland, so they won't burn your throat coming up and you don't have to worry about any strong flavors that might keep you head first in the toilet longer than you want to be there. Like you wanted to be there in the first place....

That being said, there will come a time, if you're like me, when your body will reject saltines. They will start coming up before you even finish swallowing. Don't be alarmed, it's natural. Switch to tostitos, those'll get you safely to the end.

2) You're gonna want a Belly Band. Don't let the con artists at Motherhood Maternity make you think you need there $50 one though. Target sells one for $16.99, and it has lasted all 30 weeks, and I fully expect it to last these last 10. It comes in 3 colors. I chose white, because I figured I could wear it under any color, including white and it wouldn't be noticeable. And so far, it has worked like a charm. Get whatever size you are before you got pregnant. The small will stretch an unimaginable amount. Believe me. It is easily washed and dried with your other regular clothes.

3) You're absolutely, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, gonna want a Snoogle. A snoogle is a C shaped pregnancy pillow that will cushion all the right areas. I was having a miserable time sleeping, and the snoogle literally cured me. I don't know what's so magical about it that a regular pillow between your knees won't help, but trust me... it's from God himself. It's firm, but not too firm. The part that wraps between your knees might as well be made out of a cloud. The part that supports your back will keep you in the proper left side position all night long. However, if you're a rebel like me and like to flip at least once a night, the snoogle allows it! And then it becomes a soft, cuddly snuggle buddy which will also help you fall right back asleep. It's all one part, so nothing moves or falls off the bed. Trust me, I was the girl that tried to make my own snoogle out of 9 pillows. It's.not.the.same. Spend the 60 bucks, and sleep well until 30 weeks... at least. I'm still going strong.

4) You're gonna want an Alan Wrench. I didn't know what an alan wrench was before I got pregnant. But I am now the proud owner of at least 48 of them. You see, they come with every piece of baby furniture you have. Unless you're rich and you buy the already put together furniture. For the rest of us, get to know an alan wrench. Chances are, you won't ever have to buy one either because the $300 crib you buy will come with a complimentary one, or two if you're lucky! It became a joke in the Proebsting household how many alan wrenches we would get with each piece of furniture. Some had multiple, some only had one. They are very handy for the 1 million screws that come with baby furniture that your fingers are far to big for. They are also quite efficient. We now have a complete collection of alan wrenches in our tool box. I wonder if they have a use other than baby furniture? I suppose time will tell.

5) You're gonna want one of these. Particularly, one of the good looking ones. However, they come in all shapes and sizes. I like mine tall, ripped, and bald. You're gonna want one with a ring on his finger, preferably the one you give him. The ring is just extra assurance he will stick around when you puke your guts up in front of him, or cry hysterically or yell at him for no reason. The smarter, the better. That way, they are extra efficient with putting baby furniture together. The one I got can do serious math problems, is a perfectionist, might as well be built out of steel, and can run a 6 minute mile... I use all of those things to my advantage. He can figure anything out, he makes sure everything is put together perfectly, he's great at lifting heavy boxes, and he's quick! I don't think they're all as nice as the one I found, but if you're lucky you could get one that does laundry and pauses the tv to put up with your demands. They are also very good at telling you you're not fat on days when you feel like a whale. (At least this one is). This one is absolutely essential. Don't think you can survive pregnancy alone. The saltines, belly band, snoogle, and alan wrench are a complete waste of time if you don't also have this last one to make life complete. This one I have listed is currently out of stock though, you'll need to find a different one.