To Love a Child

Warning!!! If you just want something happy, start with the second paragraph, if not, keep reading:  Yesterday in St. Charles there was a story on the news that absolutely broke my heart into a million pieces.  There was a 16 year old girl who was accidentally (I use that word lightly) killed at one of the hospitals here.  She was a foster child, and had been for 10 years.  She had multiple problems, and was in the psych ward.  Apparently she was angry about something and yelling and just out of control, and the nurse on duty threatened her with giving her a sedative, which in turn made her more angry.  So two nurses took her to a seclusion room, held her face down in a bean bag, and gave her the sedative. Meanwhile, she died of suffocation. Those are just the basic details, there are a million more.  I cannot get this story out of my head! This poor girl who had been shoved from house to house never really belonging anywhere, never feeling love, died in probably one of the most traumatic ways!!

So yesterday I was making the two and a half hour drive to my hometown, thinking about this story the ENTIRE time! I didn't even turn up the radio. But somewhere in that long drive, my thoughts shifted from this story to my own life, and how incredibly excited I am to have my own child someday.  As I was thinking about this poor girl, and everything she went through, I began thinking about the life I want to give a child someday.  Kyle and I have always talked about wanting kids.  We've picked out names, only boy names, because that's all I'm allowed to have according to him. We've talked about how we are going to raise those boys. We've talked about how we want them to be fishes like their mama, and baseball players like their daddy. We've also talked about how if they want to be in the band how much fun their Aunt Lauren and Uncle Joel will have watching them, and helping them practice! (That's a joke. Kind of.)  We've talked about how they better not have my math genes, and the better not have Kyles eating habits. We have so many plans for these kids, and they are still just a thought! Our firstborn, Jack, has been in our thoughts for at least the past three years - and I'm pretty sure I already love him. I sure hope he doesn't turn out to be a girl, or he will have no name.

So this story only intensified the feelings I have towards my own future children. I don't know, maybe I love kids more than the average bear - but it has gripped every part of my soul.  So as I was planning their lives on my way home last night, my thoughts shifted again - no matter if they are boys or girls, band players or athletes, smart or mathematically challenged... I want them to feel love.  It's a big challenge.  I'm sure there will be times in the winter when they will be under dressed, and times in the summer when they are over dressed, or times when they won't get the most healthy meal, and times when we forget to feed them all together, ha.  There are times when they won't get a bath when they need it, and times when there won't be a nap. We're going to mess up on a lot. But I so hope that we don't mess up on loving them. Not even a little. I hope that they feel it, and know that it is real every day of their lives.



Speaking of which... So I had the MRI on my wrist, and I had an appointment with the doctor that did the first surgery, and it did rupture, and it is leaking, and it is swollen underneath - but the surgery won't happen. At least not yet, yay! He gave me steroids and told me to wear the wrist brace. If it's not better by Tuesday then we'll talk surgery.